its kinda weird to have an online diary for everyone to read.i guess at the same time it's kinda cool.where to start... i think i'm supposed to be happy cuz things finally seem to be going good but for some reason i just can't be the way i used to be.before if someone pissed me off or got to me i used to be able to blow it off and let it be.now i blow up and get aggravated at every little thing.my doctors think i need some stupid medicine to calm me down because i have anxiety attacks and then tells me stupid crap to make me mad like thats not gonna upset me more.they're all some money hungry jerks that think popping pills is the way of life.what bull.whther its perscription or illegal its all the same.its all stuff that alters something about you.why be fake.why walk around letting people see you as one way when in your heart you aren't that person at all.i've had my share and i've seen the way it destroys peoples lives and minds and bodies.whats the point?i think it's all just a way for people to hide what they truly feel. lets see.... how do i feel today? honestly i think i'm bout to have a nervous breakdown.i think i stress way too much over little things. you know i was soo mad at jessie and cord for leaving me.i almost really did some stupid stuff.then i thought about it. jessie is finally somewhere where she is happy.she's got someone taking care of her the way i wish i could have.and shes got cord. i'm glad that they have that bond. i wish we all could have grown up together so that we'd all be close but i think the relationship we all have isactually half way decent considering all the shit we have been through.i love those two more than they know. and it seemed like when cord left to live with wayne that he took a piece of me with him.then when jessie left it felt like she took my heart.i got so used to having her in my life that when she left it tore me apart.she isn't only like a little sister to me shes almost like my daughter.she knows me better than anyone i know.i just pray to god that all of us will be able to stay close even through the miles that seperate us.well i guess i beat up this keyboard enough for one entry so i'm gonna go and try to figure out something to do with the rest of my day off.